Sort of 9 Years In

Apart from being happily married with a partner of 15 years, I really have no business giving relationship advice. But since today happens to be my sort of nine-year wedding anniversary, and since this is my blog, why not?

I say “sort of” wedding anniversary because Damon and I tied the knot on February 29, so our felicitous occasion only actually exists once every four years. Between leap years, we make up when to celebrate, how long we get to celebrate. It’s fun and irreverent, kind of like us. So, in honor of my leap day anniversary, below are four bits of blunt wisdom from an old maid just getting started. Cheers to love, horses, and divorces! 🥂🐴

New York City Hall, 📸 February 29, 2016

Get a Life & Chill the Fuck Out

Don’t be boring or codependent. Have your own hobbies and prioritize them. Hang out with friends and family on your own. At the same time, enjoy life alongside of one another. Stop measuring, planning, expecting, and fussing over extraneous details that aren’t genuine to the two of you. It’s your life; suffer no one else’s consequences but your own.

Remember: Marriage Is a Construct

Love is primordial. Everything that follows is a social construct. What makes marriage special isn’t the ring, ceremony, or certificate, but the lifelong commitment. We often lose sight of that, swept up in fantasy narratives and familial pressures. All our lives we are fed a very straight and narrow diet of socially acceptable dreams, roles, and behaviors, believing that in achieving them, we’ll attain fulfillment. This is utter bullshit. Life is not a simple bucket list or bingo card to be ticked off. It’s a constant cycle of fluctuation and growth, desolation and rebirth. Don’t get caught up in fake shit. Let instinct lead you, rather than fear.

Post wedding lunch at Bouley in Tribeca, 📸 February 29, 2016

Happiness Comes From Within

Damon has never been the source of my happiness. And thank god I’m not the source of his. That’s way too much pressure, not to mention completely unsustainable. Happy selves do not blame others. They take responsibility for their circumstances and feelings. If you’re not happy alone or have trouble accepting your partner exactly as they are, find yourself a good therapist. A happy, accepting self is crucial to a healthy, rock solid relationship.

Nothing Is Static

After years together, you’ll wake up one day and wonder who the fuck you’re sleeping next to. And then you’ll quickly remember that you, too, have changed completely. Be a good partner and allow yourself, your relationship, and each another to breathe, branch out, evolve. Love it all—what you were, what you’ve become, what you’re becoming, and what you’ll eventually be.

All things must pass. And they do. So let them.